What do you think of this poem?
Bringing back memories
Of deserted streets
Hurling up and flowing out
Life has rushed
The stale smoke that protects yesterday
Like a precious heirloom
Riding in the streets
Free and fast
I don’t want to go back but just for a glance
Just to remind me of why I left
Others watched as spectators
Now I am a face in the crowd
Moving on, turning the page
I Respectfully bow and tremble with rage
My foolishness has brought me hear
To the point of exhaustion coupled with fear
Paralyzed no more
A sullen shadow hides in the corners whispering
Turn away from song and wine
That on your very soul doth dine
Another chapter has come and gone
I swiftly look back then carry on
Thank you…I wrote it tonight. Thinking about my "clubbing" days 
Tagged with: exhaustion • face in the crowd • foolishness • glance • memories • precious heirloom • quot • rage • spectators • stale smoke • wine
Filed under: All Things Wine
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I thought it was very well written! It had some really good imagery yet it was mysterious. It did not give too much away but said just enough to get a feel for what was going on. I liked the line about bowing with respect but trembling inside with anger. Also I liked the line about the stale smoke that protects yesterday- good imagery!
If I had written it, I might consider being a little more consistent with either rhyming or not rhyming though, I noticed some lines rhymed consistently and some did not.
If I had written it I would also be pleased with myself as it is a nice piece of writing and it feels sincere in it’s depth and personal meaning.
Wow, that is a strong poem. It has a lot of passion in it. It is really moving and really good. Did you write that? If you did that is a really an amazing job. : )
There are some good ideas here but I think it would benefit from less common images and different word choices. Like "Hurling up and flowing out" — those two verbs don’t go together for me. I feel that this poem is about moving on in life, but I wonder why it starts with "Bringing back memories"… what is bringing back those memories? I think the first line isn’t really accurate for what the rest of the poem is about… it’s in the neighbourhood, but not completely accurate in my eyes. "face in the crowd, turning the page…" — these are very cliche lines that I think you should avoid. I mean they are strong images, good images, but maybe you could find a way to say them in a different way "face in the crowd" (you could paint us an image of a face in a crowd), or "turning the page"… what’s another metaphor you could use for moving on in life? one that’s more unique? "Turn away from song and wine/…soul doth dine" — I don’t understand how song and wine can dine on your soul… also, the tone of the poem is formal but modern, whereas ‘doth’ isn’t really a modern word, so that line sort of comes out of left field. I like the image of the speaker swiftly looking back then carrying on, and am interested in the lines "Life has rushed/The stale smoke that protects yesterday", I want more of this and I want to know if life is rushing the smoke, or if life has just rushed by… I’d like to know more about why the speaker is no longer paralyzed as well (is the person no longer paralyzed because they are exhausted and full of fear? if so, it doesn’t really seem to follow… I mean normally people would be paralyzed by exhaustion and fear…) (one little thing "my foolishness brought me HERE (not hear… unless you meant for it to be that sort of hear… in which case I’m sorry for being presumptuous)…
Good luck with it! I’d like to read the finished product!
Sorry it’s hackneyed youthful angst.
I guess it had a good catharsys effect on you! It looks very authentic.
If it comes from your heart, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. True art coms from the soul. Don’t let anyone try to hurt your soul–and they will—so don’t invite it.
I like it. it reminds me of myself when something in my life, an era is over and I look back thinking that I’ve wasted so much in my passion, and still I am feeling sadness for the passing of these days and maybe feeling a little or a lot of fear for the future like I am lost in a crowd, but eventually I move on. it’s not as big thing as I thought it would be.
yes, I like it.